Performance Appraisal
Dear All, (said the original message)
Further to mails you have received regarding performance appraisals and reward letters.
We would like to ask you to bear with us and thank you for your patience. For those expecting mirror letters please contact your local HR team with any questions. Should any letters arrive for you, you will be notified.
Please note specific questions cannot be answered until after the letters have been finalised and issued. For any other queries I take this time to remind you about HR Queryfacility.
Please bear with us and thank you for your patience.
Regards
HR
You whinging prats, (is what it really sounded like)
I know this is one mail of mine you will read through and want to grab the opportunity. What better way to start my annual minutes of fame than feigning politeness and sounding pompous at the same time. See, I am so overcome with emotion I cannot even finish my sentences!
Now, please do not bother me with queries on bonuses and contract-renewals like previous years; I am sick and tired of dodging them and not professing answers. And I really cannot stand those who pester me about letters due from those insignificant local teams - you are adults and should know who to bother for what. If something does come for you, surely, even you losers know by now that if there is anything we think will keep you quiet even for a while, you can trust us to get it across to you promptly.
If what has been said above is not clear enough, please be informed that I will not answer individuals’ or groups’ queries collectively or individually - there is a reason birthday gatherings are being avoided nowadays. Also I will not be answering questions that require specific answers, except those relating to office administration, passport details, invite letters and the hourly revamp of the approval workflow, all of which I rule, as you know. If you have general queries about life, the living, the recent US prime-rib credit munch tissue, the weather, transition to the new email service or other matters of no consequence, please send it to my lackeys who will try and dodge it the best way their meager acumen can.
Now, if Sarah Palin can sound grandiose with a wink, surely I can too with a repeat exhortation to put up further with incompetence and tardiness. I am on your side. I am your friend. Don’t you know by now? Come, confide in me. Goose pimples…
That will do for now.
HUGE ARSE
