Jesus Fired, Papal Primacy Re-Established
A Riposte to http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article2056515.ece
And in breaking news, following a sensational finding by Papa Ratzi, His Eminence and other members of God’s Board of Directors have decided to relieve Jesus Christ of his duties as their Chief Executive. Jesus, upon investigation, has been identified as the chief perpetrator of the sacrilege of ordinary congregations garnering flocks of followers and related prominence, virtues that are rightfully the Catholic church’s. Jesus has also been found lacking in enforcing the edict that calls for establishment and honoring of the primacy of the Papal Office.
The board has also instigated an urgent review of their Articles of Incorporation, popularly known as The Bible, such that tenets of the Catholic faith, as opposed to base Christian ones that Papa has proven erroneous, are incorporated, making such aspects as graven images and ecclesiastically preeminent intermediaries, mandatory in worship. Much like and clearly inspired by recent happenings at UBS with Ospel, the board is expected to retain the services of its chair, God, for the foreseeable future. God’s office has released a statement assuring that He will continue despite the setback because the institution may not survive two of its three best known principals departing close together. The Chief Operating Officer, the Holy Spirit, looks to have survived the coup, given His grass-roots appeal, undeniable popularity and intimate nature of relationship with the masses. However, mentions of “Father, Son and the Holy Spirit” are expected to be changed to “Father, Son, the Holy See and Respected Spirit” with immediate effect. An announcement to this effect is expected later this afternoon.
In another move that is clearly directed towards making God more accessible, Papa has decreed that Latin, a clear lingua franca as per Papal assertion, be exclusively used with German sub-titles, in all church-activities, including the Holy Mass. This is in line with other recent Papal edicts on tradition and history, but in this case at least, not dating back to Christ’s times when it is commonly believed that Aramaic was spoken. Spoken by lesser number of people than is Romansch, Latin’s relevance to Christianity as an instrument of faith truly transcends its relevance to Rome or Latium, as Papal office put it, in mysterious ways, only understood with a reading of the inspired “Dominus Iesus”.
Misguided members of Protestant and Orthodox churches, and their numerous denominations, will be allowed faith-amnesty for a period of not more than three months. In a tersely-worded note, Papal office called attention to how even misguided youth with membership - however unenthusiastic - of criminal organizations, track-record of feigning sickness towards dereliction of duty and desertion in the face of the enemy amounting to treason, can rise through the ranks with careful attention to detail and re-establish primacy, as an exhortation to members of non-Catholic churches.
Tithe and other offerings, with immediate effect, will be collected and managed by Istituto per le Opere di Religione, Vatican. It was “difficult to see how the title of ‘Church’ could possibly be attributed to them”, said the statement from the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, referring to Protestant and Orthodox churches, but not so difficult to see how this profit-making bank’s operations befits an institute for religious work. Dearly beloved should note that with the redefinition of the canon sin of usury in the Lateran Treaty, to not mean gains from money lending, but rather simply profiting “exorbitantly”, the so-called Vatican Bank was enabled to become a true bank, with all the profitability that it implies. The spirit-filled, faith-based beginnings of the institute, when Benito Mussolini gave the new Vatican Bank approximately $80 million to begin with, is not to be forgotten either. Mussolini’s endearing approach of government by propaganda is understood to be a clear path that the board of directors of Christianity seek to follow under Papal leadership, being truly tried and tested, further imbibing the spirit of human endeavor as personified by Mussolini and his fellow saints, now that the wayward chief executive is rid.
Oh, what a waste of blood and organs - these pretentious, officious, incompetent, insignificant busybodies!!
