Surely Not…
Dear Miss «object of your desire»,
I saw you indulging a smile at «object of your ire» the other day and I am very worried. It is not really me to meddle in such affairs, but, have you really thought through who you would want in your life, for life?
Surely, not too
-tall, for you will forever be looking up to him,
-short, for you will never retrieve that tin of tea-bags that are at the back of the top shelf
-thin, for you will have to run for a paper-weight every time you switch the fan on
-fat, for you will rue the day you run into an old acquaintance who still carries a six-pack
-rich, for he will always wonder if it was for the money
-poor, for you can’t live on love and fresh air alone
-smart, for even the dumb ones think they know it all
-dull, for it will soon rub off on you
-good a cook, for you will pile on the pounds
-bad a cook, for you will never get even a lousy soup when you are ill
-introverted, because foraging for his socks is bad enough, you will often have to go searching for his self
-extroverted, for there is no better excuse he will have for flirting with your cute friends
-funny, for life is enough of a joke
-serious, for there will be no adventures left safe to try
-handsome, for you will never get your quality time with any mirror
-ugly, for you will forever pine for a ski-mask
-busy, for you will wait to wait before you wait some more
-laid back, for your neighbour will do better
-butch, for he often will walk around in the buff
-camp, for he never will
-polite, for traffic is mad and you need to get there
-rude, for he will grate and infuriate
-soft, for you will be his shoulder to cry on
-hard, for you will never have one to cry on
-prompt, for you will never fall out and make up
-tardy, for your life is too short to wait around
-protective, for that’s one wee step from possessive
-passive, for that bunny who cuts in front of you in queue will never get shoved back
-loud, for the neighbours will know
-soft, for even your silence will argue at times
A nervous, bumbling, geeky nerd is not that bad afterall, eh?
Yours as ever,
«your apellation here»
PS: If you are reading this, Miss Fay, please give the poor sod who got this to you last week, obviously as his own thoughtful penmanship, a try. He paid me in collectors’ edition copies of M*A*S*H and Jeeves & Wooster, Calvin & Hobbes comics and a PING putter, so I would conjure this incomprehensible sub-kindergarten psychobabble up, just so he would look rather smart. Please, Miss Fay.
